I love social psychology

On Monday, October 02, 2006, I started my week out with a “bang”. On this day, I went to my classes as usual, there was nothing specifically different about my routine, but today, wherever I went, there was commotion. Today, I violated a rule, a norm of our culture, which dictates that while women may dress as men, men may not dress as women. I wore a skirt, a pink girl’s shirt, a dangle earring, and shaved my legs to complete the ensemble. I wore this getup all day, from the moment I left my house to the moment I left campus. I arrived at campus late, missing my first class and chapel, but I made it just in time to have lunch at the Hive. I spent much of the early afternoon in MSC, capitalizing on its centrality for visibility. From there, I headed to my second class of the day, passing through Heath Hardwick Hall and Longview Hall, only to realize my class had been canceled. I walked back through the halls, and returned to MSC. I spent another hour there with friends, being seen, and proceeded to my last class of the day. From there, a traversed campus for another hour, dropped by one of the dorms, and headed home. But the action was nothing without the reactions.

Reactions to my violation of masculinity varied greatly. The first reactions I got were not from students, but from my neighbors. On the left, my neighbors are a white, redneck oilfield family, and on the right, a black, family community of a grandmother, two single moms with three kids each, and a crack-cocaine dealing uncle. Both saw me as I left my house to get in my truck, and both sneered, shouting vulgarities at me across the fence. The first few reactions I got on campus were primarily glances, then double-takes as people sought to clarify what they thought they had seen. Stares were frequent, as were comment the speakers thought I could not hear, and many they knew I could. These ranged from questioning my sanity to accusing me of vulgarity. From my friends, some shook their heads and laughed (as my own brother did when he saw me), and others shunned me, refusing to have any contact with me while I dressed like that (I even received one very loud and very explosive “what the hell” from one friend when he saw me). On two occasions I had individuals I did not know stop me and ask to take pictures. Many people approached me, asking my motivation. My answer across the board to the question involved my discovery that skirts were incredibly comfortable and I had recently taken a liking to wearing them. Disgust was almost universally the response to that answer. I heard at least three individuals mutter “fag” as they walked away from me after hearing that answer. In my last class of the day, the professor referred to me as “Mrs. [Last Name]”. However, on the other side of things, girls I interacted with and talked to today were far more likely to openly flirt with me, even so far as to give me phone numbers of their own accord, something that does not happen to me under normal circumstances. Not all reactions were negative though. There were a number of people who smiled, grinned, and shook my hand at my defiance, calling it “awesome” or some similar description. Some people made no visible notice of my dress whatsoever, and interacted with me the same as if I were dressed normally. To cap my day off, I returned home to discover one roommate received text messages throughout the day from concerned individuals who had seen me and knew I lived with him. For every person that saw me and interacted with me, I got a different reaction, but almost all fit into three general categories: disgust, encouragement, or apathy. Disgust and encouragement were the received at the highest rate, and were close to equal, with disgust perhaps just a little bit higher. Apathy trailed far behind. As the day progressed and I started to receive more and more external reactions, my own reactions regarding the situation changed.

When I began the project, I did not want to be doing it. I tend to be a fairly self-conscious, fairly shy individual, and the ideal of thrusting myself out in this manner was a bit intimidating. And I knew a majority of the responses I would get would be negative. However, at the same time, I love eliciting reactions out of people, and I do enjoy breaking social norms, though generally in a more comfortable setting. The extreme embarrassment of being recognized and berated by my neighbors did not help my demeanor as I approached the campus. Thus, as I walked down the sidewalk on campus, heading towards MSC for the first time that day, I was very self-conscious. I avoided eye contact with people I passed, and I couldn’t repress a shy grin when I noticed people noticing me. But from the moment I was confronted with someone familiar, the shyness began to slip away. I first ran into my brother, then friends from my former dorm, then my routine Monday-Wednesday-Friday lunch mates. Interacting with them allowed me to act more casual, to relax some, and even to become a little excited about the project. As I sat in the Hive and talked to more and more people, the different dress began to have a completely opposite affect on me. Knowing I was set apart from the normal, knowing I was the center of attention when I was noticed, I became significantly more confident than I am normally. I was no longer embarrassed by my deviance, but excited because of it, enjoying it and pushing the limits of my exposure as far as they would go. I went from quiet personal amusement and embarrassment at my situation to boldly embracing it, allowing it to energize me.

Gah

Damnit, I KNEW there was a reason I swore off younger girls! I KNEW it! ANd yet what do I do?? *shakes head*

Edit: upon rereading my post I realized it needed some clarification... younger girls = girls 18-20. Juuust thought I'd make that clear.

Realization...

I've always been right... I cannot live alone for long. I cannot be surrounded by people but alone for long. Discovery is a rogue.

Cosmic coin toss

Well, We have a palce to live. In fact, We have a very nice place to live. A house. Three bedroom. The rent is almost nothing too. We are very pleased by these turn of events. Oh, we also quit our stupid job today, so we're back in (on?) the market, so to speak. We've got some good leads though, so we're not really worried. We really want to work on our book a lot this summer anyway, hopefully get a good bulk of it written. But right now, We're enjoying Austin, live music, old friends, etc. And now, for a song thats been haunting Us for half a week...


Got a big plan, his mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, in passing, metioned it flip to her
bestfriend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and the crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leaves it to fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and he just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd passed

And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Vestis Virum Reddit, but where would they be without the warehous

So, what is the irony of my current situation? I'm remarkably content. I've taken care of all situations to a satisfying conclusion, whether that conclusion be total break of contact of putting the final paragraph (words) on a foolish novel (attraction) I never should have begun.

On the other hand, I have one week to find a place to live else I'll have nowhere to lay my head but my truck, I've gone to all the apartments in Longview and found nothing. The townhouse Zach and I are looking at is awesome, but its not gonna be easy for us to get a lease there. In the past 2 weeks I've worked a grand total of 16 hours at my allegedly fulltime job and thus money is short. All of these things are a serious concern... and I would appreciate any prayer you people have to offer, but I'm not overly worried.

I even have a semi-longterm project to work on - a book I am so in love with. I would *like* to have it finished by the December. And finally, I've applied for a job in (groans) airport security. The job sucks, but hey its much better money than Neiman.

In conclusion, Make Truth, Let Tell. Oh yeah, and No Compromise.

Insult to Injury

As if to add insult to injury... Caleb kicked me out of the apartment last night. I am now a poor vagabond. I am homeless. For now I'm living on Campus until I can get another apartment aranged. Thank God for Zach, he's sticking with me even though it sucks for him. All in all, I've hit my rock bottom. But up from here looks encouraging, now that I've gotten almost all of the stuff thats been bothering me off my chest. Now only one thing remains left to be done, one piece of reconciliation, and I'll be satisfied with what has happened.
No Compromise.

Many specific and notable events have helped shape my life. They've served as turning points, moments of discovery, and pushes, though they are often cataclysmic. But I must say, as far as complete shaking goes, last night, in all of its intricasies, takes the cake.